Hear No Evil

Do you ever wonder why there are bad people in the world?
Do you ever wonder why out of nowhere there's suddenly a mean person up in your face?
Do you ever wonder why you are related to vile, cold-hearted people?
Well, I think it's because it's God's way of showing you first hand what evil is like when made flesh. It's His way of telling you " This is not how I want you to be like." These people who are mean have a choice not to be mean but somehow that is the choice they've made. It's like in the movies when there's an angel and a demon on each side of your head whispering to you to do good and evil respectively. Obviously mean people listen to evil and become one of the devil's minions on earth.
I mean, so many times I have wondered what did I do to be related to someone so vile? It is really sad that we can't chose our family, there are relatives I like and don't like. When I am around relatives I don't like, it makes my skin crawl knowing that we have the same blood running through our veins! Yuck! That's why I choose my friends carefully, I never tried to be Miss Popular. I always looked out for friends who are of good quality, I don't care about the quantity at all. They could be just 4 or 5 friends and I'll be happy as long as they're good people. Sometimes these sorry individuals makes you want to scream and shout and take revenge for all the pain they caused you. But then i always remember my original thought on why God put them in this world...do NOT be like THEM! Do not stoop down to their level, do not even give them the time of day. They are unavoidable, especially relatives, you will cross paths with them some way, somehow. When I do find myself around them, I have this mantra in my head that goes " you are better than this, you are better than this". It takes a lot of will power not to be a bitch and lash out. Sometimes all you can do is lock yourself in a room and cry it all out. The inner bitch will come out sooner or later but I try to keep it contained as much as I can, after all we were all made in God's image, and even if we are not as perfect as Him, well we should at least try to be.
What I usually do when someone gets to me and I can't control my emotions any longer is just give in. Be angry, be sad, be depressed, cry, scream, write your heart out, sing you heart out and the best way i guess is to laugh your heart out! Succumb to any form of emotion at least, never bottle it up because it will slowly kill you, and then you'll end up just like those despicable people in your life. In other words, try to be the better person. When you try to be the better person, you remain true to yourself. But if you follow the path of these sad and ugly people, then you lose yourself along the way until you completely don't know who you are.
It happened to me before, I was consumed by anger and before I knew it I felt so lost and empty. Trying to change for myself and for my daughter was the best thing I've done in my life, it saved the both of us from a life of pain and suffering.
So, lesson learned: Listen to the angels and say goodbye to the demons.

Listen to Bob Marley

I haven't been blogging lately, maybe because there's nothing to write. Well,nothing interesting to write. You see I'm kinda stuck, stuck in a place where I don't want to be stuck. You know how it is when you find yourself in this kind of situation, you think why am I stuck? How come I don't have any clue about what to do with my life? I'm smart(I'd like to think i am), i'm a good person, no vices(does food count?), well, I'm sure you get what i mean. But here I am ...stuck. Stuck like an ant in a pool of honey. Actually that ant's lucky,he's stuck in a sweet situation in a gooey kind of way.
But of course as a human being who wants to live a good life, we have to suck it up and move forward. Get up and dust it off as they say.Try as hard as you can to get un-stuck and trod on. We are expected to fight and never give up. You haven't lived if you haven't struggled. But it is how you worked through the struggle that really counts. You can either go the "bad way" or the " good way".
The bad way meaning,you take desperate measures reaching your goal. Some people do this to see results faster,lie-cheat-hurt other people- kind of thing. These are people who want to do thing the easy way,maybe they want to end the struggle as soon as they can but in reality these kinds of actions will have greater consequences. Karma is a bitch.
Now there are people who finds solutions to their problems "the good way". Meaning, they wait patiently,stay in jobs that drain the life out of them,pray and believe that God will bless them in His own time. These are people who are tempted to do the bad thing just to get through the crisis but decides not to. Because they believe karma IS a bitch.
I think I belong in the good category, I'm not saying I'm a saint or I should get an award for this. Most people choose being good. But I think if I belonged to the other category then I guess I wouldn't be struggling still. I wouldn't be stuck. I'm still here weighing my options,trying to determine which path I will take to better my life. I'm still praying that I will see the light that will lead me to the place where I won't feel stuck anymore. I try to get inspiration from people who you see everyday in the street. People who sell flowers,candy,water and other thingymajiggys on the road. Sometimes we think why don't these people get a real job? That's the immature,closed minded bratty side of you. But then you find yourself in a crisis,the good life has ended and you are forced to see the world more clearly and suddenly you get why they are on the street baking under the heat of the sun,selling things on the road despite the chances of them being run over by a vehicle. That's when these ordinary people inspire you to work harder to get out of the rut you are in. They are doing everything to feed their family,what they're doing is honorable but you don't want to reach that point. You want to fight the hardships of life and shake yourself out of the self-pity trance that you're in in and do something. I'm planning my escape, I don't mind if it takes awhile. But I will do it!
As I'm writing this,Bob Marley comes to mind. His mantra keeps playing in my head...Get up, stand up! ....yes, i will stand up and yes, i will get up. I'll break away from this nest of cobweb I have found myself in and move forward. But I'll be doing this the "good way" because I don't want to get bitch slapped by Karma.
So listen to Bob Marley.

Travel or Bust

There are times when I wish Iwas in a different place, doing things that I've always wanted to do but don't have the means to do it. One of my dreams is to travel and see the world,experience other cultures,meet the locals,taste their food and maybe learn from the places that I've been to. And I've always wanted to experience my own country,go to different parts of the Philippines and see the beauty. It's just sad sometimes because it's more expensive to see our own country, it's cheaper to visit Hong Kong,Thailand or Macau than to go to Palawan or Boracay. But I've heard that the Dept. of Tourism is doing something about that dilemma. A lot of us Pinoys get intimidated by the prices that the airlines and resorts advertise on their websites. Mainly because the price is in US Dollars, I guess because their clients are mostly tourists. But I know a lot of Filipinos would love to see their own country. We need international and local tourists, if more tourists come there will be a lot of jobs available for Filipinos and if Filipinos realize that they earn money from showing the beauty of their own backyard then people will be more aware of their environment, people will start to take care of the forests,rivers and beaches.
One of these days I will be one of those local tourists visiting different parts of our country and I will be an international tourist as well experiencing the beauty of the rest of the world.

It's been awhile since I put down in words things that have been swimming in my head.
Sometimes you have all of these emotions,questions and random thoughts inside you but you just don't know how to like I said,put down in words all of these things. But then all of a sudden you can't stop yourself from writing down anything that creeps into that head of yours and before you know it you're not making any sense because you have so much to say that the words just come out all at once.
I find that I have a hard time writing down my feelings when I'm happy. I used to write poems a lot when I was sad,angry and depressed. But once I found happiness,i couldn't translate to words all the joy I was feeling. Even if I have bad days and things aren't so perfect in my life but in general I'm still really happy,I have a hard time being creative with words. I'm one of those people who eat a lot when they are happy and in love. I guess you can say I get creative in the kitchen . Which is really not a great thing because you can see that kitchen creativity on my body!
So I guess a career at writing love stories and poems about matters of the heart is not in my future. And I definitely don't want to be constantly angry and depressed so that I could continue my writing. I guess it's true that some writers are all messed up inside,some have a bottle of scotch or vodka as their bestfriend. That is not for me,I never really enjoyed drinking. For a short period of time I convinced myself that I did but after some soul searching I knew that I didn't. So the odds being a good writer is against me. I probably should just be happy being this random person writing down how their day went in blog sites such as this one and forget about being a tortured writer. I'll take being a happy,kitchen experimenting,happy blogger anytime.

Upgraded

Lately I've been thinking about how I've evolved through the years as a person. When you have a lot of time in your hands your mind tends to wander back into the past. Especially now when things are really tough, I think life was easier before when I was younger. Easier yes, because I didn't really have to think about anyone but myself. I was this spoiled(but not a brat) and sheltered kid who was into reading books and rock and heavy metal. My days were consumed with listening to music and saving my allowance to buy books and cd's of my fave rock bands. I would sneak out at night so I can watch gigs of rock bands,during that time bands like Rivermaya,Eraserheads,Wolfgang,etc.. were just starting. I never wanted to be a groupie, I wanted to be a part of the band! I don't have any fantasies about being famous, it was fantasies of being a great bassist or drummer. I wore Doc Martens that I bought in Hong Kong, flannel shirts and of course shirts with my fave bands on it like Metallica, Iron Maiden, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden and Led Zepplin. Obviously I never pursued being a musician. I still love music though. Now I don't recognize Heavy Metal Kat. I'm more of Mommy Kat.

That's what my friends called me when i gave birth to my daughter Krystle and the nickname stuck, so they refer to me as Mommy Kat always. And I prefer that to heavy Metal Kat. Being a mother has changed me as a person for the better, I mean what woman doesn't change for the better after having a child? Well, maybe a lot of women don't change because as we all know a lot of children suffer in the hands of their own mothers. But you know what I mean right? My friends who knew me since the dawn of time say that after having my daughter I've become this mellow person, more mature, just cool and patient. So far from the hot headed - I'm gonna kick your as if you look my way kind angry teenager. Maybe a lot of people were wondering what was she so angry about? She's this spoiled kid who got anything she wanted and she's still angry? I have a lot of thing to be angry about, things that started since I was 5 yrs old or maybe earlier and I just don't remember it. But I won't divulge that information, too many people will be hurt and I'm not out for revenge or any kind of retaliation. And I think they have my daughter to thank for that. Those people who hurt me before are saved from humiliation and pain by this young girl because her presence in my life alone changed me.

Before I had her I had a little bit of a rebel in me because of my anger, I never did anything drastic like getting arrested or doing drugs. But the reason for my holding back anger and self destruction was my grandfather or Lolo Bal. I based my decisions firstly on what God will think of me and secondly what my Lolo will think of me. Everything I did was always in anticipation of how they will judge me. And another person was added to that list when I had Kits. Because whatever it is I do, whatever decisions I make, what kind of people I let into my life, everything and anything will directly affect her. I chose not to be angry anymore, I chose not to be confrontational anymore, I've become more patient and understanding. I used to be selfish, thinking about myself and my feelings only but now I think "How will it affect my child if I do this ?".

I am totally a different Kat, different from that teenage girl who was so full of anger and resentment. I retained only the good qualities I have and try to eliminate the bad. I am not a Saint mind you, I still have this bad side. My point is I try very hard to not let the bad side over power the good side. We all have our bad moments, we get into moods that even ourselves don't understand. I get bitchy, I get angry still but mostly it's provoked by other people. People who don't deserve my precious time but sometimes you just have to give them a piece of your mind but after that just let it go. Think about the wrinkles and bad skin these people will give you! Gosh!

Mommy Kat still listens to rock music, it's just now with no anger raging inside. I'm still Rockin Mommy Kat! Despite all the problems that I have I am still blessed. Blessed that God gave me a child who brought stability in my rocky life. Sure life was easier before,less responsibilities but I was sad,angry and depressed. I am happier now.

Life is hard but it is easy to get through it with happiness and love. Sometimes it just takes one person to motivate you to be a better person. Nobody should force you to change, the most effective way to be better is when someone inspires you. Because you love them so much that you want them to love and respect you. It doesn't have to be your children, it can be any random person who suddenly makes you want to change, their life story, their history jolts something inside of you and makes you take that first step to be a better person. And I got that jolt inside of me quite literally when I became pregnant with Krystle. I'm still the same old me but better, upgraded. And I am pretty sure that I will still change, maybe I'll have more children who will take me through another journey of change. And I am looking forward to it.

Floating

Floating..that's what I feel like. That's what you feel like when you don't know where you are going in life. It's ironic that I feel that way at this stage in my life where I am truly happy. In my relationships with the people I love,everything is wonderful. But I feel like such a failure most of the time because I feel like, more than ever I should be more than who I am today. I have nothing to show for,I am just going through life with no apparent direction. My biggest fear is disappointing my daughter,giving her no reason to look up to her mother because her mother hasn't really made anything out of her life.
They say to have a successful career you should follow your passion,do something that you truly love. What if what you truly love doing is just taking care of your daughter? Making her breakfast before going to school,being there when she gets home from school,cooking her favourite meals. But the responsiblity of providing for my daughter financially falls on me too,being a single mom. I'm in a great relationship with a wonderful man but he's not my husband(yet,hopefully soon). I can't ask him to provide for us while I become a stay at home mom full time.
Now while I search for a job people ask me "What kind of job are you looking for?" and I can't give a quick answer because I don't know what career I want to get into aside from being a mom. It's too bad stay at home moms don't get any salary,you do it for free. Imagine all the hard work you do all through out the day! Cleaning the room,the kitchen,the toilet,washing and ironing clothes,budgeting your finances,helping with the kids' homework and projects,being there physically and emotionally. Making sure you child is spiritually healthy as well. I don't say I'm JUST a stay at home mom. That is not something you should be ashamed of. Being a mother or a parent for that matter is one,if not the hardest jobs in the world. Imagine being responsible for bringing up this wonderful child,teaching them right from wrong,good and bad. Teaching them to be kind,loving,responsible,strong,happy humane human beings.
And still sometimes after doing all of these things for your child, it's still not enough. I'm not complaining, there are millions of people who are more unfortunate than me. But everyone is going through something in their lives. Personally I am having a crisis beacuse I fear I am not going to be able to send my daughter to school this year due to financial reasons and that just kills me. I don't show it, i don't go around moping all day and trying to drag everyone down with my problems but inside is an emotional whirlpool. I am still hoping things will turn out for the better.
The one thing about me is that I am an optimist. I always think that the trials you go through as a person is just a phase, it's something you get through as long as you don't let it control you. I have been through a lot in life but I never lost faith,never questioned God even through the worst moments of my life. I may not go to church every Sunday but the faith in God is strong and I know He is right beside me while I overcome these obstacles.
I may be floating but I am not broken. I just have to sort things out on my own and hopefully I will get my feet back on the ground and find my way to the right path.